Helping Children Cope with Grief and Loss

Do children react the same way to grief as adults? 

Children who experience a major loss may grieve differently than adults. A parent's death can be particularly difficult for small children, affecting their sense of security or survival. They may be confused about the changes they see, especially if well-meaning adults try to protect them from the truth or from their survivor's displays of grief.

Unlike adults, children have limited abilities to experience intense emotions. They may seem to show grief only occasionally and briefly but the overall process may take longer. They may not show their feelings openly but exhibit new behaviors. Children often play death games as a way of working out their feelings and anxieties. No two children respond in the say way to the death of a loved one.  [back to top]

What determines a child's reaction?

A child's grief may be influenced by his or her age, personality, stage of development, earlier experiences with death, and his or her relationship with the deceased. The child's ongoing need for care, opportunity to share feelings and the adults' ability to cope with stress are also factors. The surroundings, cause of death, family member's ability to communicate with one another and to continue as a family after the death can also affect grief.

Children at different stages of development have different understandings of death and the rituals that surround death.

 Age

 Understanding of Death

 Expression of Grief

  • Infant to 2 years

Do not recognize death; Exhibit behaviors related to separation.

Quiet, sluggish, poor sleep unresponsive, weight loss.

  • 2 to 6 years

Confuse death and sleeping; May think it is temporary, reversible; May believe thoughts can cause another to be sick or die.

Problems with eating, sleeping, bladder/bowel control, tantrums. Asks many questions.

  • 6 to 9 years

Believe death is a person or spirit (skeletons, ghosts, bogeyman); Death is final and frightening but happens only to others.

May ask specific questions about death process; Problems with aggressive, acting out, clinging, destructive and/or antisocial behaviors; Feeling of abandonment.

  • 9 and older  

Knowledge that all will die and it is not punishment; Death is final and can not be changed.

Heightened emotions of guilt, anger, shame; Anxiety about own death; Fear of rejection; Impulsive, regressive behaviors; Problems with eating and sleeping.  

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What are some of the common issues that children have related to grief?

Children may ask:

  • Did I cause the death to happen? 
    Children often think they have magical powers. A child may worry that because they have said or thought "I wish you were dead" that their thought caused the death.
  • Is it going to happen to me?
    Especially if the child is experiencing the death of another child they may think the death could have been prevented or that the same thing might happen to them.
  • Who is going to take care of me?
    Children depend on parents and adults for care and support and need reassurance.

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How can I help children cope with grief?

Coping with a child's grief puts added strain on a bereaved parent. It may be made easier by being open and honest, taking extra time in discussing the death, using direct language and accurate words, providing reassurance, and incorporating the child into the planning and participating of memorial services or funerals.

Some things that can be helpful during this time include:

  • Explain your own cultural and spiritual beliefs about death in simple terms.
  • Keep a normal routine for the child. The child's well being must come first.
  • Recognize that children grieve differently than adults and should not be punished just because adults do not understand their reactions.
  • Make sure the child does not feel at fault - that they understand their thoughts, feelings or words did not cause the death.
  • Help the child talk about his or her fears and anxieties.
  • Share books and videos with the child.

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When should I seek professional help?

If you find you are unable to attend your child's needs because of your own sadness, ask for help. If children begin to complain about their own health, develop extreme behavior problems, experience changes in school and home routines and performance you should seek help from your physician, counselor or clergy.

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What are some good books to share with children?

Bernstein, Joanne. Loss. Seabury, 1977. A guide for young people who have lost someone close, touching upon both practical and emotional aspects of death and its aftermath.

Cohen, Janice. I Had A Friend Named Peter. William Morrow and Co., 1987. When Betsy's friend Peter dies suddenly, she learns that he can live on through memory.

De Paola, Tomie. Nana Upstairs, Nana Downstairs. Rae Publishing Co., 1978. The story of a boy who is heartbroken by the death of his great grandmother. The story continues through the death of his grandmother.

Douglas, Eileen. Rachel and the Upside Down Heart. Dancing Magic Heart Books (Douglas/Steinman Productions), 2006. When four-year-old Rachel's father dies, her life feels turned upside down. A true story.

Grollman, Earl. Talking About Death. 1971. Straight Talk about Death for Teenagers. 1993 Beacon Press.  Intended a part of a dialogue to take place between parent and child.

Sims, Alicia. Am I Still a Sister? Big A and Co, 1986. This story, written by an 11-year old whose baby brother died, nicely explores a bereaved child's struggle to define a new self-identity.

Viorst, Judith. The Tenth Good Thing About Barney. Atheneum, 1971. Barney, a cat, has died, and his owner eulogizes him at a funeral. Cheryl uses this book for her children's grief groups.

Williams, Margery, illus. Hague, Michael. The Velveteen Rabbit. Holt, Rinehart and Winston, 1983.  [back to top]