Parents with Cancer

The Cancer Center Children's Program

Helping your children understand cancer


Often the first thought that enters a parent's mind when he or she is diagnosed with cancer is How do I talk to my children about this?

UVa Cancer Center offers many resources to help parents during this time of family crisis and adjustment.



Our programs include:


  • Counseling for parents
  • Parent Packets, Resources for parents and children
  • UVa Health Resources, including books and videotapes


What Should You Tell Your Children?


You have cancer, and you are wondering how this will impact you and your family.  In reality your life has been turned upside down.  In the midst of this stress, you are trying to figure out what to say to the children.

How we see situations depends on many different factors. Children are real people.  In the midst of a crisis adults may forget that: 

  • Children have real feelings.
  • Children understand the world in a real way, though it may be different than an adult. 
  • Children can feel left out. 

You can find a great deal of information in bookstores, libraries and on the Web about how to talk to children about cancer.  What follows is some information we have found that might be helpful. 
People have different ways of understanding information.  You know best how you like to receive information. 

  • If you like just the facts, read on and we will give you some of the facts.
  • If you like to get your information by story, then read "I Have Cancer. I Also Have Three Young Kids."  This is a story about how a parent talked to her children about her cancer.
  • If you want more information and resources, please refer to the annotated book list that can be reached through the links above.

And finally, for those who want to keep looking, attached are also some web sites.

The word "should" can make people feel guilty because they feel they "should" do something. What we offer below is not a mandate.  It is what people who have gone before you have learned and what research has shown.  It is clear that telling children as much as they want to know is the best practice.  What follows are reasons why talking to children is so important.  Also included are helpful hints on how to tell them.

Children should be told because:

  • Children naturally know when something changes.
     When you are diagnosed with cancer, it changes everyone's life in a big way.
  • Children have a great imagination.
     They can imagine the worst, and it can be worse than reality.
  • Children may learn about your condition from someone else.
    Getting information about your cancer from someone else can be scary, hurtful, and possibly incorrect..  It can break the trust they have in you.
  • Children may feel alone and left out. Children need to know they are part of the family.  Even if they don't understand everything, being part of the discussions and decisions makes them feel worthwhile and included.
  • Children can comfort you. 
     Everyone has a need to help others. Your children will have ways to help you.  They can give you comfort if they know what is happening and what you may need from them.
  • Children can handle difficult situations. 
     The truth can cause many different feelings. Expressing feelings is how we deal with very difficult situations.  Children, sometimes better than adults, are able to do that.
  • Children can misunderstand what they see or do. For example, a child may do something wrong or hurtful to a parent.  If the parent gets sick the next day, the child my think she has caused the illness.
     

Who, What, When, and How Should We Tell Our Children


Who should tell them?

  • You should
  • If not you, someone your children trust
  • Share your feelings
  • It's ok to cry

When should we tell them?

  • As soon as you know something
  • Keep the facts simple but clear
  • Don't confuse the information with unnecessary facts
  • Share what is going to happen as you go through treatment
  • Answer your children's questions and concerns any time they come up

How should we tell them?

  • Talk at the level of your children's understanding
  • Practice what you are going to say
  • Make time, don't rush
  • Be open to questions

What should we tell them?

  • Tell them what has happened.
  • Explain what will happen next.
  • Leave them with feelings of hope that even though you are upset now, there will be better times.
  • Assure them they will still be loved and cared for.
  • Listen to them - it lets you know what they can cope with.
  • Answer their questions simply.
  • Ask them what they think cancer is.
  • Ask them if they are worried about you.
  • Correct any misunderstandings they may have.

There are a lot of books and other resources that give advice to parents about talking to their children about cancer or illness.  Please see our book list with some general information about each book.  All of these books can be borrowed from Body Talk or  the Cancer Center Chaplain. They can also be found at local bookstores or on the web.

Bereavement for Kids


Hospice of the Piedmont
Bereavement Support for Children and Adolescents
Phone number: (804) 817-6900

Get Involved


Contact Gordon Putnam if you have any questions.  He can be reached at 434-924-2477 or by e-mail at gp4d@virginia.edu